In the Back of my Mind
by MorganLeFay33
Summary: McElliot headcanon during their argument in Series 2. Involves Greg and Celia and another character. A bit weird, I warn you!


**In the Back of my Mind**

_For my first McElliot fic, I've done this weird __headcanon-ish thing that I hope you'll like. Because I seem to have a mental blockage in which I can't write a fic unless it involves one of Siobhan Finneran's characters, I've added in reference to Izzie Ingram from Unforgiven (another Sally Wainwright drama). Nonetheless, it'll make sense to all McElliot shippers even if you haven't seen Unforgiven. I set this during Caroline and Kate's argument in series 2, and I took some of their actual lines from the show. Hope it makes sense! _

_xoxo,_

_Morgana_

* * *

**Oxford, 1987**

_"Your new hair looks beautiful," Izzie commented as she pulled the croissants out of the oven. After she'd set them down on the table, she neatly hung the oven mitts above the sink next to the frying pans. Caroline liked the way her kitchen, like everything else about her, was so prim and orderly and yet somehow whimsical – like the way she wore a differently themed pin on her cardigan every day. _

_"Oh, thank you. I…I had it cut." Caroline ran her fingers through it nervously, feeling her heart skip at the thought that the other girl had noticed it. She'd done it for this. She'd done it to send a message, for she could not think of how else to make her realize. She had thought that the sight of her own long blonde locks falling to the floor would make her feel more boyish somehow. It only made her feel older. _

_"Yes, that is apparent." _

_Caroline laughed quietly at Izzie's curt and dry response, feeling embarrassed for stating the obvious. She folded her napkin in her lap, always amazed at how grown up Izzie managed to be at university. No one at Oxford baked pastries or framed artwork the way she did. Caroline could barely fry an egg, and the posters on her walls were already peeling away._

_"Izzie…"_

_"Mhm?" The brunette looked up at her as she poured their tea._

_"Do you…would you…would you like to come home with me this weekend? To visit my parents? I think it might be fun. Only if you want to…"_

_"Yes, that does sound fun. I'll check my diary."_

**Harrogate, 2013**

"Sometimes I still feel a bit weird about it, that's all. It's not personal. It's not about you. It's about me, and suddenly, on the phone when I was booking, I panicked! And I knew you'd be cross, but I didn't know what to do about it."

Kate replied quickly, leaving no time for sympathetic considerations. "Caroline, you're a Doctor of Philosophy, you run a huge school, you have the welfare of 857 children in your hands on a daily basis. You don't panic!"

"I panicked!" Caroline insisted.

**Harrogate, 1987**

_How strange it was to have Izzie in her childhood bed, sleeping soundly beside her. She felt a warmth inside of her in this moment, at the memory of the way the other girl had kissed her cheek softly before drifting off, at the feeling of their arms entwined. What was this but love?_

_Everyone knew. Tom had called Caroline her girlfriend during formal last week. Izzie had turned red in the face and reached again for her glass of wine. Caroline was sure. This must be it. _

_She slipped out from under her sleeping companion and went into the kitchen, feeling that this was as good a time as any to have a talk with her mother._

_"Caroline," Celia grinned affectionately at her daughter and set her newspaper down on the table. "Shouldn't you be in bed? Where's Izzie?"_

_"Asleep." Caroline poured herself some tea and sat beside her mother. _

_"She's a lovely girl, your friend."_

_"Mum," Caroline whispered tentatively. "I think…I think Izzie is more than just a friend to me."_

_Celia's eyes widened slowly as it began to register. _

**Harrogate, 2013 **

"Why?" Kate asked, her expression dead.

"Cause! Because…" Caroline waved her hands in the air uncertainly and finally clasped them together as she looked downward with a sigh. She took a second to think, to remember. "Because I'm me," she whispered, not meeting her girlfriend's eye.

Kate observed her for a moment and lifted her chin indignantly. "I'm not falling for that, Caroline. Not anymore. You've blown it."

**Harrogate, 1987**

_"It's not a problem," Izzie mumbled, wringing her hands between her knees and looking down. "If you don't mind, I would feel more comfortable sleeping on the floor tonight."_

_"No, no," Caroline insisted, humiliated. "I'll sleep on the floor. You can have the bed." They were the last words that she and her friend would exchange for the next several months. Tomorrow's journey back to Oxford would pass in painful silence._

_Caroline's chest ached as if the wind had just been knocked out of her. She blinked away embarrassed tears, and all she wanted in this moment was her mother. She wanted to tell her what a fool she'd been and cry in her arms like she had when she was a little girl._

_She tiptoed into the kitchen, finding her mother there once again, predictably reading her paper. _

_"Mum, Izzie…"_

_"I don't want to know," Celia replied sternly, not even looking up at her daughter. _

_"Mum, I tried to kiss her and she…"_

_"No," her mother interrupted her again. "You can cut off all your hair and do…God knows what with…that girl, but I don't want to know about it."_

_Caroline nodded and returned to her bedroom, her heart breaking._

_It had not taken long for them all to find out what had happened once they returned to college. Izzie never said a word, but they knew. In the span of ten minutes, Caroline had lost a dear friend and her good name. She'd gone and given herself a reputation that left her perpetually lonely and mortified. If John hadn't one day started following her to the lab, annoyingly begging her to have dinner with him until she finally gave in, she would have happily spent all of the next six years locked inside that sterile, isolated room._

* * *

**Durham, 1990**

_"Smashing hair!" Greg greeted Kate with a kiss on the cheek as she shook out her umbrella. He ran his fingers through the neon streaks approvingly. "No more pink, eh? Well, no matter. I like the blue. It's sexy."_

_Kate rolled her eyes and laughed, setting the keyboard down in the corner of the room before jumping on the bed next to him. _

_He handed her the flask, asking casually, "How was band practice?"_

_"Shit," Kate giggled, taking a swig and passing it back._

_He grinned widely and tickled her, cuddling up as he whispered, "Maybe I can cheer you up, eh?" _

_Most boys would have meant only one thing by it. He meant two things. He would tell her a funny story first, have her laughing hysterically before he leaned in to kiss her. _

**Harrogate, 2013**

"I don't think I've ever met anyone who's quite so fond of the sound of their own voice," Caroline muttered as Greg walked away.

Kate raised an eyebrow silently and stared downward, still too angry to speak to Caroline.

"Well, I'm going to bed," Caroline continued, folding her napkin up in her lap, "because I can't stand any more of this bloke's self-obsessed drivel."

"MKay," Kate replied flippantly, resting her chin in her hands.

**Durham, 1990**

_"Who is Kate?" Greg asked with a twinkle in his eye. He held her there under the covers in his bed, tracing the outline of her face with one finger, admiring each of the earrings lined in a neat row along her right ear. "Tell me about her. I'd like to meet her."_

_"What?" _

_"Who does she really fancy?"_

_"You."_

_"Bollocks," he chuckled. _

_Kate leaned on her elbow and looked down at him. "I've never told anyone before."_

_"Tell me." His eyes were so inviting, his voice so reassuring. _

_Kate was no rock star, no rebel. Kate wanted to try some nice blouses and flowy dresses, but she knew people would think she was just taking the piss. Kate should have been like everyone else, content to be knocking back shots at the bar after class ended, but she couldn't get the woman off of her mind. She told him this and so much more. _

**Harrogate, 2013**

Caroline looked down at her scone, holding the edges of the table for support before she continued, "Look, all right. I'm sorry. I am sorry. I was a coward. I won't be again, but I do have to say for me, if we are gonna be parents, this bloke is the wrong person."

Kate shook her head in disagreement, replying flatly, "He's perfect from my point of view."

The blonde clasped her hands together and shook her head as well. "I couldn't go through with it, not with him. He's…" she exhaled heavily. "He's such a jerk."

Kate stared at her, unmoving, the hurt apparent in her eyes. "He's one of my oldest friends. Whatever impression you got last night, he's not a jerk."

**Durham, 1990**

_"Christ!" Greg laughed loudly. "Professor Caldwell? I thought you hated her!"_

_Kate swatted at him jokingly. "I was just saying that to say it. If you tell anyone at all, you're in trouble."_

_He grasped her hand and said sincerely, "I don't mind that you like women too. Means we have one more thing in common."_

_Kate giggled at the ridiculous face he made, but before she could speak, he continued earnestly, "We have a nice arrangement, you and me, but it doesn't mean I won't be jealous of anyone, man or woman, who steals you away. Don't you settle though. Don't you ever. You deserve everything you want."_

_"Thank you," she answered bashfully, her shyness taking hold once again. No, she was no rock star. No matter what façade she managed during the band's gigs, she was not that person._

_"Well, give us a song then. What music do you really like?"_

_Kate inhaled nervously and started to sing softly as he fell asleep. _

_"I'm old fashioned_

_I love the moonlight_

_I love the old fashioned things_

_The sound of rain_

_Upon a window pane_

_The starry song that April sings…_

_This year's fancies_

_Are passing fancies_

_But sighing sighs holding hands_

_These my heart understands…"_


End file.
